Dropped Waist Dress and Floral Jacket

Hi, my friends,

I don't know about you, but somehow my relationship with time has never been good. I have yet to truly figure it out. When its about being on time - I will always be too early, when it's about having time - I will never have enough, when it's about time passing - I never seem to notice it until too late, when it's about timing - it will never be the right one. 

As you can tell, time is one of the biggest thoughts I have been mulling over lately. And perspective. I am a big believer of the moment, which makes my relationship with time even more difficult. It's about the moment you realize you no longer care about something or someone once so important to you, or it's about the moment you realize the opposite, that no matter how much you hoped time would take the importance away, it's still there. It's about the moment you understand that the beliefs you once had that sculpted you as a person have changed, or that the people who are the epitome of a crutch to you will suddenly, one day, disappear from your life.

Dress - made by me, Jacket - H&M, Belt - Nasty Gal, Shoes - Primark, Bag - Marks &Spencer

So, within that, I am having a real difficulty of figuring out "modern relationships". I don't want to be one of those people who say that they were born during the wrong decade, but somehow I feel like I am turning into one, purely because of my agitation towards the convenience aspect of forming relationships nowadays, and how that is taking importance over things that my now seemingly odd brain counts as important.  Wherever I look, it feels like people are choosing people either as their friends, partners or advisors based purely on the fact that a - they are in close proximity to them, b - their lifestyle/schedule fits within theirs, c - they recognize that the other person will sooner or later bring a certain benefit to them(not talking about the emotional benefits here). Some of you on the other end of the screen might have formed your whole inner circle that way, and if so, I truly admire you. But to me, the thought of it is strange. 

Maybe that's because of a certain amount of jealousy I feel towards this way of building relationships? Because it enables you to be close with everyone and anyone. Maybe it's because I cannot fake attachment to a person unless I have decided after a long and hard inner debate - that person is mine. My friend, my partner, my safety net, my everything. And not because they finish work at 5 PM and we take the same line together which makes it easier for me to spend time with them, or choose a partner because the dating app is showing that they would live within a close proximity to me and therefore getting to them doesn't involve any extra effort. No, I will choose you because you make me laugh, you are kind, you challenge me, you are honest, you accept me for who I am, you support me, you inspire me, and therefore our time spent together is worth every second of it. And you will have chosen me for me, not for my geographical location or annual income amount, but because I make you laugh, or the fact I might give good advice, or I make you feel more like yourself.  

I am very proud of the friends I have, even during the bad days, when I haven't succeeded in other areas in my life, or don't feel good enough, I will know I have done a good job with forming the relationships I currently have. I have been careful, I have invested time, I have gotten on planes to see friends, stayed up late to calm them down and vice versa. We have fought for the relationships we have, because we value what we have, and because we feel valued. I don't have these people within my inner circle because its easy. I call them mine because of the opposite. Because no matter what, they will be there. Whether that would be a phone call away or maybe down the road.

I don't see people doing that lately, I don't see people fighting for these selected few that can make our days brighter. It makes me extremely sad and worried. Are we ever then truly honest? Do we believe in anything if we are not willing to fight for the most important thing in our life? Why are we wasting time investing our energy in these people? Are we just scared to be lonely? Or, is it just boredom? 

Anyway, I hope you, same as I, can be proud of the people you have around you. That they truly know you for who you are and still think you are a diamond amongst the grey, that you are special.  Only because of who you are, not where you are or what you have - they have chosen you. And, isn't that a wonderful thing?

Always yours,

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