5/10/20

Pink Lazy Oaf Shift Dress and Block Heels


Hi, my dear friends,

Last time I wrote to you It had been my 4th week in self-isolation. Now I am approaching the two month mark of what I have now almost fully accepted as normal. It is such a surreal feeling, this new life that revolves around home, self-care, studying, staying connected to family and friends. Thoughts of work, office politics, London, plans, goals, worrying about other people and their opinions have been replaced by content, family, friends, my own needs and "wants". It is humiliating to me that only at nearly 27 I am waking up as a person and doing what my body needs. For first time, I am not only saying, but I am actually doing so -  living the truth of putting myself first as much as I can during this time. 

And no, it wasn't an easy transition, and it still isn't as I feel guilty for not working, for not thinking about work during and past work hours. As my brain had created this habit, of constant burn - go, go, go.  I feel guilty as I feel responsible to people and work left behind while I am being furloughed. But do I miss the act of it? Honestly? 




Dress - Lazy Oaf, Shoes - ASOS, Bag - Vintage 

I have to say - no. And my heart is doing somersaults while I write this, as again I am learning how to be this new person. And I am scared to admit that I don't miss my old life completely. But one thing this time has taught me is to be honest with myself. I don't really want to be the person who over-works herself to help others achieve their goals. And portray this picture of crazy ambition over "my time". It scares me because I have no self control when it comes to work.  If I did, maybe I missed it. But I know myself too well, and I am not going to sugarcoat the situation to show myself in a light of this zen person, which I definitely am not. It is really worrying to me, and I saw something that resonated with me so much I finally understood why I am starting to feel nervous about exiting lockdown and returning to the whatever our "new normal" will look like. 

It was Leandra Cohen's (Man Repeller) Instagram Post, in which she published a list of things she will miss, won't miss and so on. In her "What I don't Miss" Section, she writes that she doesn't miss "Getting caught on the hamster wheel, because it is easier to speed up than slow down". And I truly felt like someone had looked into my brain and summarized my state of mind. 

You would think that being stuck inside with no work to do would make the time slow down. Well, it was and still is a surprise to me how every day still whizzes by, how my to do list is still there at the start of each day. However my activities now center around myself, my home, my family rather other people, who probably in 10 years time will struggle to remember my face. I worry, because even though I don't miss work, I enjoy work. And not because it's work, but because I like contributing and working towards a purpose, so I don't trust myself to not slip into the old ways of being. 

My great-grandma, a very smart and resilient lady who survived not only one, but two World Wars, always said to me - "You will know that the world has gone mad when you are struggling to catch-up with time". And during 6 months before Covid paused the world, I truly felt like I was living in that mad world, and I am sure I wasn't the only one who felt like that. So, I think it is the perfect way of describing that the world is healing at the moment, same as we are, same as I am. And sadly, I don't know the answer of whether it is healing to be able to pick back up again where it left of, or to turn a new leaf?

I think we will just have to wait and see...

Always yours,

Agita  




No comments:

Post a Comment