8/5/18

Palazzo Trousers and Kimono Jacket

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Hi, lovely people,

There are so many things I have wanted to write here for a long time. Happy things about my life that were happening, that were changing and progressing. I still feel guilty talking about them and even sometimes thinking about them to myself, as I am not used to life giving me things I want, providing me with happiness.

For a long time I was lost in regards to my life, dreams and what steps I should take next. I knew what I wanted, but each time there was an obstacle in front of me, either created by myself or the environment around me. Now, I think as I stepped over one, I have started a chain reaction of breaking them all, and yes -  it feels amazing, beyond words amazing. But, also, it is making me feel scared. I am getting that feeling in my stomach, you know - the one when you are on a rollercoaster and it drops, and your whole insides sink. And, it is because for once, I have something to lose.

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Trousers - H&M, Bodysuit - Zara, Jacket - H&M, Shoes - Primark, Bag - Primark, Earrings - Forever21

Somewhere deep inside of myself I know I feel like this, because over the time I struggled to get what I wanted and had the belief in myself crushed, I subconsciously made myself think it was due to the fact I was not worthy of getting these things and making my dreams come true. And, I have realised that this is also an issue with the people around me. People stopping themselves for going for things, as they think they are not worthy. So, they choose other options, ones they think they deserve, even if they might deserve better. They do not give themselves a chance. 

When I was down, people kept telling me how good I am at this and that, and that things will come, and even though I heard them say these things and trusted their opinion, it still did not click until the moment I generally felt fed up, learning that I do deserve better. This lead me to go down scary, never before walked roads, as in the end - what did I have to lose, if I was already so down?

So, due to the fact it all still feels like a dream, and not a reality - I have chosen to keep it close to myself, just in case my bubble of happiness bursts. Nevertheless, it does make sense, it really does. I spoke with my mum lately and was reminded about the times over the last couple of years I was so frustrated with my life, asking her over and over - When will this stop? When will I get a break? And with her quoting back all the things I shouted out in frustration, she assured me that I do actually deserve this, this isn't some lottery ticket winnings dumb luck situation. This is something I searched for, and worked for for years, and it may have taken a longer time to come to me, but it is here. 

Therefore, my friends, even if you are struggling with accepting the good coming your way and feeling like you are not worthy of this - sometimes it is good to look back at all the work you did, all the roads you walked and see that yes, you do deserve this, you earned this. 

Always yours,

Agita

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